Jesus goes to Hogwarts
by teh gr8 authur
Summary: CHAPTER 4 IS UP! Bible Harry Potter crossover! What would happen if Jesus went to Hogwarts?
1. The Beginning

[DOUBLE DISCLAIMER!] I do not own Jesus (or any part of the associated "Bible" fandom)! Nor do I claim to own any part of the Harry Potter world! These books belong to their authors (GOD and J.K. Rowling) and I am not trying to steal from them! Thanks guys! ^__^  
  
*  
  
Young Jesus was sitting by the side of the road, feeling gloomy. It had been a bad day. He tried preaching in the marketplace, but no one would listen. Then his father came and dragged him back to the workshop. Jesus hated carpentering, but he worked dutifully until his father told him he could leave. Now he was tired and in a bad mood.  
  
"Hello there, boy," a deep voice said.  
  
Jesus looked up, startled. A tall, thin man with a long, white beard and a long, crooked nose stood in front of him. The man was wearing purple robes embroidered with silver moons and stars.  
  
"Who are you?" Jesus asked, staring at the man.  
  
"I am Albus Dumbledore," the old man said, beaming at Jesus. "I've come to rescue you!"  
  
"Rescue me?" Jesus said blankly. "What do you mean?"  
  
The old man smiled. "Well, Jesus, you're a pretty unhappy young man, aren't you? According to our intelligence, you're the only boy with magic in these parts."  
  
"M-Magic?" Jesus stammered. "I don't have magic. Magic is a tool of the Devil!"  
  
"Nonsense!" Dumbledore said cheerfully. "Of course you have magic. And at Hogwarts we'll teach you how to use it!"  
  
"But-"  
  
"Come on!" Dumbledore shouted, grabbing Jesus's arm. Before Jesus could tear away, he felt a yank behind his navel and the world was dissolving in a whirl of color.  
  
*  
  
Jesus woke up lying in an unfamiliar bed. "Where am I?" he asked blankly, sitting up.  
  
A plump woman wearing blue robes bustled up to his bedside. "Drink this, dear, you need your strength," she said briskly, forcing a cup of glowing orange liquid into his hand.  
  
Jesus drank obediently and set the cup aside. "Where am I?" he repeated.  
  
"Lie back down, dear, you can ask questions later-"  
  
"Ah! So you're awake!" Dumbledore, now in bottle-green robes, came striding up to Jesus's bed. "That was a long journey, my boy."  
  
"What is going on!? What sorcery is this!?" Jesus yelled.  
  
"Well now, we've brought you forward through time, Jesus."  
  
Jesus could only stare.  
  
"We're going to teach you how to use your magic."  
  
"I don't have magic! Magic is of the Devil!" Jesus interrupted, but Dumbledore just ploughed on.  
  
"You see, you're the only one with the power to withstand the Evil One."  
  
"What-I don't understand-"  
  
Dumbledore leaned down, looking quite serious. "Satan is loose in the world, Jesus. And his name is Voldemort." 


	2. Diagon Alley

[DOUBLE DISCLAIMER!] I do not own Jesus (or any part of the associated "Bible" fandom)! Nor do I claim to own any part of the Harry Potter world! These books belong to their authors (GOD and J.K. Rowling) and I am not trying to steal from them! Thanks guys! ^__^  
  
*  
  
Jesus had never imagined that such a city could exist. He had seen more people on his journey through London than he ever had in his life! Most of them were staring avidly at him and Hagrid, who made quite a sight on the Underground, being twice as tall as a normal man.  
  
Jesus thought of himself as calm and level-headed, but the Underground had certainly unsettled him at first. The sight of the huge grey dragon roaring into the station made him jump back in alarm, even though Hagrid had told him what to expect. Jesus spent the trip sneaking looks at his fellow passengers, all of whom were dressed in the most bizarre array of clothing he had ever seen.  
  
They finally got off the train and Jesus walked out into the London streets in a state of awe. He was so busy goggling that he walked ten feet alone before he noticed that Hagrid had stopped.  
  
"Come on then, Jesus," Hagrid said, leading the way into a small and shabby pub. A sign reading "The Leaky Cauldron" swung over the door. Jesus followed with some trepidation.  
  
The wizened old innkeeper waved at Hagrid as they passed through. Some of the witches and wizards seated at tables waved as well. Hagrid greeted them all as they crossed the main room. A small back door opened into a scruffy alley. Jesus watched curiously as Hagrid carefully counted bricks in the wall and furtively tapped one with his pink umbrella. To Jesus' astonishment, a gate formed in the wall. The sign above it read "DIAGON ALLEY."  
  
On the other side of the gate was the most fascinating street Jesus had ever seen. He wished he could stop to examine the displays of magical instruments as Hagrid led him along. Hagrid, it seemed, was in a hurry, and Jesus didn't have much time to poke around as Hagrid bought him a cauldron, a set of basic potions ingredients, dragon-hide gloves, all the spellbooks needed for first years, and paper, ink, and quills. After a whirlwind of shopping, Jesus found himself standing in front of a dusty little shop.  
  
"Here's where we get yer wand, Jesus," Hagrid said, thumping Jesus on the shoulder so hard Jesus' knees wobbled. "On'y place fer wands, Ollivanders."  
  
A bell tinkled as they let themselves in. Hagrid sat down on the single spindly stool, which creaked ominously. Jesus stood nervously. They didn't have long to wait before Mr Ollivander appeared from behind the rows of shelves. Mr Ollivander had large, pale eyes that gleamed disconcertingly.  
  
"Ah, young Jesus," Ollivander said. "Dumbledore's written about you. Stand still, now."  
  
Jesus stood still as a tape measure whirred about him, measuring him. Ollivander scribbled down a few notes.  
  
"That will do," Ollivander said, and the tape measure dropped lifeless to the floor. Ollivander disappeared among the shelves and reappeared moments later with a tall stack of boxes. "Give this one a wave," he said, handing Jesus a short wooden rod.  
  
Jesus had no more than lifted it when Ollivander snatched it back and gave him another. He swished wands for several minutes, feeling increasingly stupid, before Ollivander, with an odd expression on his face, took down a box from the very top shelf.  
  
Jesus swished the wand and a shower of red and gold sparks shot out of the end. Ollivander clapped his hands. "Ah, well done! Well done! But curious, very curious."  
  
"What's curious?" Jesus asked.  
  
"It's strange that you should be destined for that wand, when its brother, why, its brother belongs to none other than the Dark Lord himself."  
  
Jesus looked nervously at his wand.  
  
*  
  
A quarter of an hour later he found himself standing on a stool in Madam Malkin's Robes for all Occasions as an elderly witch pinned robes to him. A pale blond boy was standing on a stool next to him.  
  
"Hogwarts, too?" the boy drawled lazily.  
  
"Yes," Jesus said.  
  
"Know what House you'll be in yet?"  
  
"Er, no."  
  
"My family's all been in Slytherin. Imagine if you got put in Hufflepuff, I think I'd leave, wouldn't you?"  
  
"Mmm," said Jesus, feeling stupid. He'd been living at Hogwarts for the last week, but so far he hadn't learned much about its houses or classes. He'd been having enough problems trying to learn what was going on in the modern world.  
  
The witch with the measuring tape bustled off to fetch something from the back and the pale boy leaned in conspiratorially. "So - are you a follower?" he whispered.  
  
"Am I - what?"  
  
"You know. A follower of the Dark Lord," the pale boy hissed. He pulled something up out of the collar of his robe. It was a medallion in the shape of a goat's skull with a serpent coming out of its mouth.  
  
Jesus stared at the boy in horror. He was spared from answering by the return of the witch, who cheerfully ordered them off the stools and presented them both with bundles of new black robes.  
  
Jesus stumbled out of the store, clutching the parcel of robes. Hagrid was nowhere in sight. Jesus set off in the direction of the Leaky Cauldron pub, hoping to find him.  
  
It soon became apparent that Jesus was lost. Somehow he had wandered off the main street and into a shady looking alley. The shops here had gruesome window displays featuring shrunken heads, grim-looking spellbooks and a plenitude of bats and other unclean animals. Jesus walked slowly through the winding street, becoming steadily more and more alarmed. An old witch holding a tray of dried lizards leered at him. A wild-looking warlock glared at him suspiciously.  
  
Growing desperate, Jesus decided to try and retrace his steps. He turned around and walked smack into a tall wizard wearing bright purple robes. Jesus staggered, nearly falling over. The wizard caught his arm and hauled him to his feet.  
  
Jesus shook his head to clear it and stared in astonishment. The purple- robed wizard was not alone; standing behind him were six more witches and wizards, all wearing bright purple robes and stern expressions. They were also wearing enormous purple bonnets in the shape of hippopotamus' heads.  
  
"Thanks - what - who are you?"  
  
"We," the leader said gravely, "are the Hippopotamati."  
  
Jesus could only stare, at a loss for words.  
  
"Come, young Savior," the leader of the Hippopotamati, taking hold of Jesus' arm. "You are in grave danger."  
  
One by one, the Hippopotamati lowered their hats. As the ring of tall purple hippos closed in on him, evil twinkles in their eyes, Jesus felt a twinge of dread. 


	3. The Hippopotamati

[DOUBLE DISCLAIMER!] I do not own Jesus (or any part of the associated "Bible" fandom)! Nor do I claim to own any part of the Harry Potter world! These books belong to their authors (GOD and J.K. Rowling) and I am not trying to steal from them! Thanks guys! ^__^  
  
[PS!] I took the "Mary Sue Litmus Test" and this story only scored a 7 so you "Mary-Sue" people can go choke on a polar bear tongue!  
  
[PPS!] Those of you who think Jesus never lost his temper are advised to read Mark more thoroughly!  
  
[PPPS!] Chapter 4 will be up within a week or two -- I can't wait to get Jesus in his classes already! Thankz for reading guys!!! ^___________^  
  
*  
  
The Hippopotamati hustled Jesus along Knockturn Alley, roughly shoving aside the leering, dark-robed witches and wizards that stood in their way. Jesus was wondering if he should try to make a break for it when suddenly Diagon Alley opened up in front of them. Relief flooded through him. He was safe!  
  
The Hippopotamati released Jesus' elbows and jumped back as a familiar figure rushed up through the crowd.   
  
"What the ruddy hell d'you think yer doin'?" Hagrid roared. Jesus and the Hippopotamati winced.  
  
"We were escorting the young Messiah back to safety," the Hippo leader said stiffly. "He wandered into Knockturn Alley. He was lucky we found him."  
  
Hagrid turned his glare on Jesus. "Why were you wanderin' aroun' then?   
  
"I was looking for you and I got lost -- there was this boy talking about the D--"  
  
"Never min', let's get you back t'the pub," Hagrid said, tugging Jesus away from the affronted Hippopotamati.   
  
"Dumbledore called them up t'take you t'the Hogwarts Express tomorrow," Hagrid whispered gruffly. "Don' trust em though -- nutters through an' through, an' the less you have t'do with em the better. Got yer owl, by the way." Eyes twinkling, he held up a large cage containing one ruffled eagle owl.   
  
"Oh, wow, thanks!" Jesus gasped. "I didn't even notice him!"  
  
The sun was low in the sky by the time Hagrid and Jesus made it back into the Leaky Cauldron. The owl, christened Jeremiah, promptly fell asleep when Jesus placed its cage at the foot of his bed.  
  
When Jesus went down for dinner he found Hagrid seated next to a young purple-robed witch.   
  
"Er, hello," Jesus said, pulling up a chair.  
  
"Hello, Jesus," Hagrid said cheerfully. "This here's Jocasta. She's a Hippo." His anger towards the Hippopotamati earlier seemed to have vanished.  
  
Jocasta narrowed her eyes slightly at being called a hippo, but greeted Jesus in a friendly voice.  
  
Dinner was excellent. The food was definitely Jesus' favorite part about this strange future land. Over the last week he'd eaten better than he ever had before. He hoped the quality of Hogwarts meals wouldn't go down when he started eating with the students tomorrow night.  
  
Towards the end of dinner Hagrid excused himself to go talk to a friend. Jesus was a little nervous at being left alone with Jocasta. She glanced around to make sure Hagrid wasn't looking, and slid closer to him.  
  
"I've been waiting for a chance to talk to you alone, Messiah," Jocasta said softly. "I'm afraid we Hippopotamati made a rather bad impression on you earlier this evening."  
  
"That's okay," Jesus said vaguely, concentrating on his pudding.  
  
Jocasta smiled. "We're really not as crazy as we look. We were hot on the trail of a suspected Death-Eater when we saw you in Knockturn Alley."   
  
"A Death-Eater?" Jesus asked blankly.  
  
"Shhh," she whispered, glancing furtively at the nearby wizards. "A Death-Eater is what you would call a Satanist, and what we would call a Lizard."  
  
"Ohhh," Jesus said, setting down his spoon and staring gloomily at his plate. He had lost his appetite.  
  
"You see, Messiah, we Hippopotamati have been around a long time. So has the Dark Lord. Over the millennia he has taken on many names, and the earliest of those is Sobek, the Crocodile-God. His followers were called Lizards because they worshipped the Crocodiles."  
  
"O-kaay."  
  
"Our leader, the Great Hippopotamus, led us in the fight against Sobek those many years ago. He died in the battle, and Sobek was sent back to Hell. But again and again he has re-emerged -- in your time as Satan, in ours as Voldemort."  
  
"I see."  
  
"We believe that you are the Great Hippopotamus reincarnated. You are our only hope of stopping the Dark Lord. There's no one but you on this world pure enough to fight him, not even the Christians."  
  
"What on Earth is a Christian?"  
  
Jocasta clapped a hand to her mouth. "Oops, forget I said that. Anyways, you need your sleep for tomorrow. We'll pick you up in the main room tomorrow morning."  
  
"What about Hagrid?"  
  
"Didn't he tell you? He'll be Floo-ing back to Hogsmeade tonight. He can't ride the train; it's not traditional."  
  
"Okay. Goodnight, then."  
  
Jocasta smiled and waved as Jesus shuffled over to Hagrid and said his good-byes. Jesus felt abandoned, though he knew it would only be for one night.  
  
As he lay in bed, the events of the day roared through his head, a jumble of crocodiles, owls, creepy boys and wizards with ridiculous, idiotic hats. It was a long time before he fell asleep. 


	4. The Hogwarts Express

[AUTHoRS NOTE!~!~!~~!] Ok I have been going thru some very tough times friends, some people have said some very mean things to me so I am kind of down in the dumps! I was so sad I thought maybe I would never ever write again! But like the phoenix I rise from the ashes of your scorn and mean things you said! Anyways, please be nice to me okay because I am sad so please don't hurt my feelings because I am very sensitive. ^____^ I think this chapter was inspired mostly by Linkin Park's beautiful and moving and profound songs that have helped me through some hard places because only they describe how I truly feel and the depths of pain in my dark soul. ^____^  
  
[DOUBLE DISCLAIMER!] I do not own Jesus (or any part of the associated "Bible" fandom)! Nor do I claim to own any part of the Harry Potter world! These books belong to their authors (GOD and J.K. Rowling) and I am not trying to steal from them! Thanks guys! ^__^  
  
[PS!] Those of you who think Jesus never lost his temper are advised to read Mark more thoroughly!  
  
*  
  
Jesus sprang out of bed before the sun had fully risen. He was queasy with excitement. Somehow the fascinating spell books and school supplies purchased yesterday had migrated to every corner of his room, and even with his head start he was late to breakfast. The morning passed in a blur, and before Jesus knew it he was helping two stern-faced wizards heave his hastily-packed trunk into the boot of a sleek purple car. Despite her promise, Jocasta was nowhere to be seen, and the journey to King's Cross was spent in an uncomfortable silence. Jesus was relieved when they reached the station.  
  
Jocasta was waiting for him in front of the platforms, bouncing up and down on her heels.  
  
"Ah, Jesus! So sorry I missed you at the Leaky Cauldron, I was, er, called away. Well, let's go!" She seized Jesus by the shoulder and towed him through the crowd to a barrier.  
  
Jesus stared at it, bewildered. "Jocasta, what --"  
  
"Just run straight at it, and close your eyes. Don't worry, that's the most important part! Now go! No one's looking!"  
  
Nervous but trusting, Jesus obeyed. To his astonishment, he didn't crash. He opened his eyes and stared about him in amazement. A scarlet train was sitting before him, puffing smoke, and a crowd of excited young people and was milling about, clutching all sorts of strange things. Owls hooted, cats yowled, and children shouted. Jocasta appeared beside Jesus, beaming, and led him to the train.   
  
Jesus glanced about nervously. It seemed to him that quite a few people in the crowd were pointing at the two of them and whispering, but this was probably just because of Jocasta's hat. A family of red-headed witches and wizards was standing on the platform, arguing loudly. The youngest boy had a smudge on his nose. Jesus didn't have time to notice much more before he was shoved onto the train. Jocasta helped him stow his trunk, called a quick goodbye and was off, sprinting down the aisle, through the crowds, and out of sight. Jesus shook his head and trudged on through the train, searching for an empty compartment.  
  
He had no sooner settled himself at the very back of the train than the red-haired boy with the smudged noise poked his head in the door.  
  
"Mind if I sit here? Everywhere else's full," the boy said.  
  
Jesus nodded. "Sure."  
  
The boy sat down across from him and looked out the window. The train hadn't left yet and the crowd on the platform was still thick.  
  
"My name's Jesus, by the way," Jesus said.  
  
"Oh, sorry. I'm Ron. You don't sound like you're from here," Ron said, squinting at Jesus.  
  
"No, I'm from, er, Egypt."  
  
"Wow," Ron said, looking a bit more impressed. "My brother works there. Ever been in a pyramid?"  
  
"Oh, no. No-one but the nobles are allowed in there."  
  
"The whats?" Ron asked blankly.  
  
Fortunately for Jesus, Ron was distracted by the howl of the train's whistle. They were off! The town peeled away behind them and soon the countryside was rushing past. A witch with a tray of delicious-looking food stopped.  
  
"Anything off the cart, dears?"  
  
Ron, who was unwrapping a packet of sandwiches, shook his head. Jesus frowned at him.  
  
"I'll take some of everything, please," he said, handing the smiling witch several coins from the money purse Hagrid had given him.  
  
Ron eyed the pile of candy and pasties Jesus was spreading out over the bench. "Hungry, are you?"  
  
"Starving. Want anything?"  
  
"Oh no, I've got these--"  
  
"Go on, take some, look, there's all kinds --"  
  
The sandwiches ended up sitting in a corner, forgotten, as Jesus and Ron began to work their way through the wizard candies. As Ron was showing Jesus the strange moving portrait on a Chocolate Frog card, there came a loud knock at the door and a red-headed boy who looked very much like Ron leaned in.  
  
"Hey Ron, Lee Jordan's got an iguana! Come and look!"  
  
"No thanks, I don't really like lizards."  
  
"See you later then!"  
  
The door banged shut and Ron returned to unwrapping Chocolate Frogs. He looked slightly green.  
  
"You okay?" Jesus asked.  
  
"Yeah, fine. It's just that lizards give me the willies."  
  
Lizards. Lizards! The words of Jocasta came back to him. "You don't mean your brother's friend is a… a Crocodile-Worshipper?"  
  
"What? No, he's got an iguana. Iguanas are big lizard things some people keep as pets. They don't have those in Egypt?"  
  
"They don't have much in Egypt. Who's this?" Jesus asked, picking up a Chocolate Frog card at random, eager to distract Ron.  
  
Ron glanced at the card. "Oh, that's just Enoch. I've got about six of him. You keep it, add it to your collection."  
  
Jesus tossed the card onto the pile he'd already gathered and turned his attention to a bag of Every Flavor Beans.   
  
Suddenly the door banged open again. The pale boy from Madam Malkin's was standing there, sneering at Ron and Jesus.   
  
"What's this? How'd you pay for all that, Weasley?" Ron flushed, but the boy had already turned to Jesus. "You again! I liked you, so here's a bit of advice. You don't want to fall in with the wrong crowd at Hogwarts." He jerked his head at Ron. "I can help you there. My name's Draco Malfoy."  
  
Jesus ignored his outstretched hand. "I think I can tell who's the wrong crowd, thanks."  
  
Malfoy flushed. "And just who do you think you are, anyways?"  
  
"I am Jesus, son of Joseph the Carpenter."  
  
Malfoy's eyes widened and he took a step backwards. "I think you'll find you've made a dangerous enemy, Jesus," he snarled. And with that he whirled on his heel and stalked out, slamming the door so hard the glass shook.  
  
Ron had forgotten the insult and was goggling at Jesus.   
  
"What?" Jesus snapped.  
  
"Are you really Jesus? The Jesus?"  
  
"I told you I was, didn't I?"  
  
"You didn't tell me you were THE Jesus!"  
  
Jesus shifted uncomfortably. "What do you mean, 'the' Jesus?"  
  
"You know, divine powers, snake charmer, all that?"  
  
"Well, I don't know about divine powers, but once a peddler brought a snake from the wilds and I taught it to sing the--"  
  
"Wow, you ARE Jesus!"  
  
Jesus shrugged. "I guess so." He picked up a pale orange Every Flavor Bean and eyed it carefully. "What flavor is this?"  
  
Ron frowned. "Looks like pumpkin, should be safe."  
  
Jesus bit into the bean and spat it out immediately. "Blauugh! Vinegar!"  
  
Ron gave a roar of laughter and returned to picking through the Every Flavor Beans.  
  
The rest of the trip passed smoothly. The sky outside was growing dim when a very bossy-looking girl with bushy hair barged into their compartment, dragging a round and tearful boy behind her.  
  
"Have you seen a toad? Neville's lost his," she snapped, displaying very prominent front teeth.  
  
"No," Ron said sulkily.   
  
"You aren't even wearing your regulation school robes yet! We're almost there, you know. I hope you won't give all us first years a bad name on the first day." With a pointed look at Jesus, who was wearing robes as white as the fallen snow, she marched back into the corridor.   
  
"She's right, we'd better get dressed. God, I hope I'm not in the same House as her!"  
  
Jesus winced, but said nothing as he shrugged into his black Hogwarts robes.  
  
*  
  
All too soon, the train squealed to a halt and the nervous first years were herded out onto the platform. Hagrid was waiting for them. He winked at Jesus. "Good to see yer, Jesus! Firs' Years, Firs' Years! Everyone here? Good, foller me. We're goin' to cross th' lake in these boats."  
  
The first years eyed the flotilla of bobbing rowboats fearfully. "Why can't we go in the carriages?" the bossy girl demanded shrilly.  
  
"Tradition! Let's go, no complainin'!"  
  
The journey across the lake was not as awful as Jesus had expected, but it was with relief that he stepped out onto the opposite shore. A severe-looking witch with her hair in a tight bun was waiting for them.   
  
"Follow me! This way, please!"  
  
She led them into a hall and told them to wait. Then she stalked away, leaving the first years to tremble and swap rumors. The bossy girl insisted they had to break some sort of enchantment and was rapidly listing the spells she'd learned.  
  
"Fred and George told me you have to fight some kind of monster," Ron whispered.  
  
Jesus groaned. Why hadn't he looked those spell books over more carefully last night?  
  
The heavy door creaked open and the stern witch waved to them. "File in singly and take a seat!" she ordered.   
  
Jesus shivered in nervous anticipation as he headed for the door. 


End file.
